Living this life has been strange. I still don’t think I am fond of it. I think most of the part, I have been confused about, how it works and how I am suppose to work.
What is the good way to go about it, I still haven’t figured it out, I do feel others have and that makes me feel more out of place.
It seems to me now, the way, I have functioned so far has been wrong, or atleast my actions, thoughts, have been misplaced and missed the mark.
I clearly have not known, how to function in this world so that I would belong, I would be safe, I would be loved,I would be understood. Because whatever I have done till now, thinking that it’s the right thing to do, have resulted in everything that is opposite to belong, to feel safe, to be loved, to be understood.
I think I have tried too hard to be, to please, to appease, to be secondary. I was afraid, I still am. What would happen if I don’t try too hard, to please, to appease others, to put them first, to see but not be seen. I think in a way I have been uncomfortable to show people who I am, what I like, what I don’t like. I think, by hiding myself, I thought I was being polite, nice, even kind.
I am 29, and the way I have been doing things, doing people, doing this life, is not upto my own standards (which I now accept undeniably). I see it as learning, rather a final outcome, I notice now that the situations where I gave in too much, for too long thinking I was being polite and selfless are the situations where I pushed back with such severity that I can’t even see the ashes of those bridges I burnt. A human being, is supposed to be the main character of their life, that’s just the way it is meant to be, I learned it, the hard way.
Not keeping myself first, by underplaying myself, not having boundaries, not saying no, not saying what I meant, when I meant, not being vocal about things that bothered me, I did myself soo much harm.
I forgive others as I forgive myself, and where I can’t forgive them, is for the part of myself, which I still can’t forgive.
I still haven’t figured out myself and this life, but a little bit clearer about what won’t work going forward. It is popularly said that be yourself and don’t care about what others think about you. Yet two of the human’s need are for authenticity and to belong. I do believe that I unknowingly have surrendered to the need for belonging over authenticity. I know many of you would say otherwise about me. But trust me I didn’t choose authenticity as much as I should have, I reluctantly accept that it was due to my lack of belief in my own authenticity, in myself.
This is me facing the shadows I have been running away from, and hoping to keep learning but to not make same mistakes, take same missteps.