Shadow work_20062022

Living this life has been strange. I still don’t think I am fond of it. I think most of the part, I have been confused about, how it works and how I am suppose to work.


What is the good way to go about it, I still haven’t figured it out, I do feel others have and that makes me feel more out of place.


It seems to me now, the way, I have functioned so far has been wrong, or atleast my actions, thoughts, have been misplaced and missed the mark.
I clearly have not known, how to function in this world so that I would belong, I would be safe, I would be loved,I would be understood. Because whatever I have done till now, thinking that it’s the right thing to do, have resulted in everything that is opposite to belong, to feel safe, to be loved, to be understood.

I think I have tried too hard to be, to please, to appease, to be secondary. I was afraid, I still am. What would happen if I don’t try too hard, to please, to appease others, to put them first, to see but not be seen. I think in a way I have been uncomfortable to show people who I am, what I like, what I don’t like. I think, by hiding myself, I thought I was being polite, nice, even kind.

I am 29, and the way I have been doing things, doing people, doing this life, is not upto my own standards (which I now accept undeniably). I see it as learning, rather a final outcome, I notice now that the situations where I gave in too much, for too long thinking I was being polite and selfless are the situations where I pushed back with such severity that I can’t even see the ashes of those bridges I burnt. A human being, is supposed to be the main character of their life, that’s just the way it is meant to be, I learned it, the hard way.

Not keeping myself first, by underplaying myself, not having boundaries, not saying no, not saying what I meant, when I meant, not being vocal about things that bothered me, I did myself soo much harm.

I forgive others as I forgive myself, and where I can’t forgive them, is for the part of myself, which I still can’t forgive.

I still haven’t figured out myself and this life, but a little bit clearer about what won’t work going forward. It is popularly said that be yourself and don’t care about what others think about you. Yet two of the human’s need are for authenticity and to belong. I do believe that I unknowingly have surrendered to the need for belonging over authenticity. I know many of you would say otherwise about me. But trust me I didn’t choose authenticity as much as I should have, I reluctantly accept that it was due to my lack of belief in my own authenticity, in myself.

This is me facing the shadows I have been running away from, and hoping to keep learning but to not make same mistakes, take same missteps.

09191862022

I woke up and I realized, that I have no friends. Or atleast it feels like that I have none because I am not needed. No-one would care what happens to me, if I succedd, suffer, fail or perish.

I have been realizing that humans need to be needed. When you don’t have people who need you, depend on you, physically, mentally, financially, spiritually, no-one also cares what happens to you, because whatever happens to you doesn’t impact what happens to them. If it does, they would definitely care.

While an individual might not need you but your existence satiate people’s need for livelihood. To fulfil this need, people will overlook every thing about you that they won’t like, because you exist, therefore, they survive too.

Then, if you become a parent, the power of the need, your offspring would have, to be appeased, from the torture of the existence is emmense.

Then there are such needs that only arise decades, centuries, sometimes millenniums of marination of the needed. In the ideal world we won’t be enslaved by ‘need’, but at least one need that helps satiate the other monster needs is better. This is the need for Nietzsche, Seneca, Virginia Woolf, Debussy, Van Gogh, Marcus Aurelius, Carl Jung, George Orwell, Aldus Huxley, Albert Einstein, and thank everything that the list continues.

So I might be needed only by one or two today, but this life hasn’t ended yet and when many centuries will pass away, deliciously marinated, I will be ready to satiate you.

I am not sorry

You know, I am not apologetic for what I am going to say. I have seen human beings for my 10731 days of life. I do not consider myself a misanthrope, but I do pity humans, along with the pitiable human part in me.

We have this archaic, pathetic need to belong, to have someone who cares about, who cares for us. It is so selfish, this need. It does make you do petty, needy and sad things.

Parents cared, because it’s biology and a sense of duty. And then our desperate need starts to build up, to find a partner, to marry then, to make promises, so that none of you can leave each other, because who would stay with us and care for us if not for the institution of marriage and ‘sacred’ compulsion of a promise.

Living life on your term, by yourself and especially with yourself is so difficult if a concept for the herd of sheeps. It’s the easy way out, but let’s glorify the bondage as divine and meant to be. Like you are doing a favor to the world, you are being part of the society, the same society that burdens this earth, this very moment.

Let’s face it, how can a weak willed, insecure human live with themself. They have to have someone to take care, to love, to prioritize them, isn’t it?? And no-one is going to do that if not for bonds, institution, societal surveillance, isn’t it??

So wrong!!

Have some guts, and stop being so needy and call your desperation what it is. It’s your biology and weak mindset that you give in to.

It’s truly sad.

Anchor 2

I say, atleast once, you ought to feel the hunger, to know the value of food,

I say, at least once, you ought to know what it is, to miss your loving home,

I do not say it, wanting you to punish yourself; but I say it, so that you could know what you have.

When you are in a far away country, surrounded by the exotic scenery,

Let your heart ache, for the home that’s waiting.

Even in that ache, you would be surprised to find something beautiful,

You would feel, a bit more sure about yourself,

Even if the odds are not in your favour.

You would know the gratitude of being loved,

Even when, Especially when, you don’t feel important in the unknown crowd.

Just like seeing the blue round ball, from the space above, makes one long for the home, which isn’t apparent till you experience it from distance.

Put some distance between you and your mob, to reap the fruit of gratitude.

The gratefulness for having a place, that you can call home and the people who makes it a home.

Anchor

“Only that travelling is good which reminds me of the value of home and enables me to enjoy it better.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Would you know the value of home,
without leaving it?

Yes, certainly would know of the discomfort that comes with any change and hence value it for its comfort.

But I ask, whether would you know,
the sweet bitterness and strength that comes only after leaving home, especially when you realize you have one?

Would the ship realize the value of the anchor if it never sails far away, and find the stability even through the waves.

The fire, the power, you feel inside, when you know you have a warm home to go to, it keeps you above the cold.

When you know, you have people who loves you and have a belief in you, makes the impossible, possible,

Otherwise even the nicest amenities are distasteful, when you are surrounded by people, who makes you doubt your worth.

Kryptonite

Since I remember being me, I have been observing people, it was always a bit involuntary. As an introvert, only child and the circumstances I was given, I did have most of my time to myself, with less of my energy and attention going to other people and activities.

When I used to observe, involuntarily, I think I used to analyse it as well. I don’t remember doing it purposefully but I did deduce hypothesis, perceptions and almost meanings and significance of whatever data I registered. I believe my feminine, my ying characteristics were being polished that time.

I have been a good, obedient, perfect little girl. Almost to a point of fragility, one would say. Yet I won’t lie that I was seeing people for their faragilities, their soft fleshy spots, their breakers, their kryptonite. I never thought that it was anything, never went ahead with what I perceived or did anything with it.

As a believer of psychology, spirituality, I think I now see how those perceptions, observations and hypothesis about situations and people could have been ‘used’ and ‘manipulated’. But again with a faith in spirituality and psychology I never and will never want to weaponize my observations.

I was definitely fragile and sometimes still am but one thing about myself is definite, I might not use it but I still see everything…

May, 2022

When I was given the gift of togetherness, I rejoiced.
Being in the vicinity of people I know, it reminded me of myself.
When they embraced me with their loving warmth, I remembered that I was lovable after all.
When I was leaving them, their reluctance, their heavy heart reminded me, that my existence mattered.

All the times, I was made to feel worthless, they are now fading away.
All the times, I believed that I deserved hurt, are becoming a memory of a nightmare.

In these years, I gradually forgot who I was and what I was capable of.

Surround yourself with no-one, if the other option is to surround yourself with people who would prefer if you forget your worth.

I won’t say that I learned the hard way, I would say I learned through the only way I would have learned, considering the set of circumstances I was given in this existence.

These words, my experience doesn’t have to be relevant to everyone, doesn’t have to be relevant at all but I do feel that I have reached a point, where I am comfortable expressing myself, articulating my thoughts, valuing my experience with it being relevant to no-one.

There is so much that exist as me, which I don’t understand yet. But it’s alright, there exists 95% of the spacetime that we don’t understand, we can’t even try to articulate it’s form, properties. Maybe it’s the 95% of the same thing, which makes me, and hence I don’t understand it. Dark matter, dark energy, soul, spirit, etc etc.

Sometimes I think this is a dream, somedays I am sure of it. Even if this is a dream, how does it makes any difference. Dreams are so visceral that we can’t tell that it’s a dream till we wake up from it. We can only know when it ends, either the dream or the reality. At least it ends, so that we can know. At least if something ends, something new can start.
Let’s see





Mirror Mirror Everywhere

After writing about narcissus whose issue was fatally falling in love with himself. What if, you don’t like what is staring back at you when you look into a mirror? What if, the person you see in the mirror makes you feel uncomfortable? It makes you want to change just that one thing about your body, and sometimes many things.

National eating disorders collaboration defines Body image as a combination of the thoughts and feelings that you have about your body.

The way you see your body is the perceptual body image, which is often not accurate representation of your body. Eg. One takes a picture and feels that they looker heavier than they actually are.

Affective body image is how you feel about your body, feelings associated can be positive like satisfaction or negative like disgust.

Cognitive body image is how you think about your body, which can look like obsession with your body shape and weight.

Behavioural body image includes the behaviors you engage in to make yourself feel better about your body.

Research suggests that women are more likely to have body image issues, it’s understandable as the historical pattern indicates that women are supposed to be looked at, they are told by the society to be pretty, to be beautiful. It’s a losing battle not only for women but also for society. The society loose upon so much potential, when half the population can only contribute by being pretty.

What is even more absurd is, that what is beautiful, is changing through the years. And now it’s changing like seasons. How are you suppose to have an hour glass figure in January 2022, when straight athletic figure was desirable in Nov 2021. How are you suppose to change your bone structure?? And why you have to give in to this demand to be what is desirable. Desirable to who??

Aren’t we more than just our bodies, more than what we look like?

Not just women, men too struggle with body image issues, they obsess about how much muscle they have, putting their body through steroids, harsh diets. They too obsess about their weight and calories they consume.

Maintaining a healthy, functioning body is essential for our existence, getting enough rest, nutrition, sunlight, exercise and distressing on consistent basis is important and their is no argument against having a healthy vessel.

Yet it is just part of who we are, beings with counsiousness, intellect, creative force, we are much more than how our body is aesthetically. And anyways who decides what is aesthetically pleasing and what is not?? And who made them the decider??

This is the wish today, that we intelligent and unique creatures, could find a goal other than  weight and inches.

And we could find our worth in things other than appearances, not just in ourselves but also in others.


Dark Academia

Around 3000 BC, Karna, a sutputra (son of a carriage rider) had to lie that he was from a royal family, to get education. He was given a curse when his background was revealed. The curse, that cost him his life, the price he paid for seeking knowledge.

About the same time, another promising young man Eklavya, who belonged to a tribal community, was denied education due to his background. Determined, he made a statue of the guru who refused him education, he skilled himself in archery by practicing it. He became so skillful, that it made even the most skilled archer jealous who was the student of the guru who denied Eklavya. Call it whatever you want, the same guru who denied him education and still recieved the respect of a teacher through his statue, asked Eklavya for his right thumb as gurudakshina (tuition fees), sadly Eklavya oblidged. Another tragedy, for the sweet reward of knowledge and skills.

In 11th century, Gyaneshwar and his siblings were denied a formal education due to their father’s past actions. They were outcasted by their villagers just because. Good for him that, it didn’t stop him to translate and write Gita in their local dilect.

In 18th century, AhilyaBai Holkar dreamt big, she saw a future where women gets education just like the men did. She did make it possible that I could write this, right now!

Mr and Mrs Karve established the first women university in India. How privileged I have been, to get my engineering degree from one of their institution, which was a women’s engineering college.

I am grateful for being alive right now, then any other time in human history. All doom and gloom aside, we do live in a world, where you can access infinite amount of knowledge about infinite amount of things and you won’t have to give your thumb.

What the real concern is, what George Orwell pointed in 1984 and more hauntingly what Aldous Huxley speculated in Brave new world.

“Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information.Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egoism. Orwell feared that the truth would be concealed from us. Huxley feared the truth would be drowned in a sea of irrelevance.” -Neil Postman

What would you give for knowledge?

What do you have to give for knowledge today?

Homo anxietatem

The problem with going with the flow is lack of agency, the benefit of going with the flow is lack of accountability.

When we live with other human beings, it’s most likely to be suggested by their lives. What they choose, what they do and what they avoid, impacts our thoughts and sometimes actions.

We live with a state of anxiety and it’s most natural to be in that state. Our lives are tapestries, made with series of uncertain events. Anxiety is the only possible state we can be.

Yet anxiety is most definite, when we choose to choose our own choices. When we choose to not follow and to lead our own lives.

Uncertainty is the only thing that is there when we lead our own paths, make our own decisions, face our own consequences. Uncertainty is blunted when we can choose from the choices others made, because the outcome and consequences are known. It’s ‘more secure’, less anxiety prone way of living out this life.

Walking the same, overused path can feel secure and the price we pay is the absence of ‘adventure’, hence seeking out adventures and living dangerously to escape the all mellow peace of our life.

Walking on a windy, weedy, not-even-a-path path is the adventure itself, and the price is walking solitary(mostly). The reward is the utmost peace and content, that you find in the all thrill that is your life.

Anxiety remains no matter how we live our lives, apparently it was an important part of terms and conditions in our contract called life, that we couldn’t read but signed.