A tree

I saw a tree, under the morning sky
It shimmered peacefully, front of the colors of dawn
It moved quickly enough, to create the shimmering effect
But graceful enough, for the eyes to perceive, when it did
The dark green leaves,
Moving and taking space for a moment, then emptying it later, to do it all again.
I don’t see anything so beautiful nowadays,
That is just beautiful, without the purpose for others, to look at and validate it.
I will never be able to express, what I saw,
And it very well might be, part of its extraordinary charm.

Till they cover me in daisies

The flower that grows through the cracks of the concrete,

It’s just same, that voice, that inkling, which keeps itching you from inside.
The itch that can feel like a nudge, a shake or despair.

When you accept, less than you deserve,
You feel that itch

When you are treated with less dignity than a human being,
You feel that itch

You think, you can’t stop the outside forces, and you can’t as well stop yourself, from accepting less.

It is that itch, that comes back again and again, it is like that flower growing through the concrete.

That inkling, when arrives, can make you feel bad, but it’s your friend.

It’s you, some part of you, resilient as that flower, which keeps on growing, keeps on flourishing, keeps on taking space.

It nudges you, it reminds you, that you deserve better,
especially, when you think, you don’t have enough self love, to stand up for yourself.

If you didn’t have love in you for yourself, you would feel fine, when treated poorly;
But you don’t feel fine.

It’s that flower in you, reminding you of your worth.
It is standing up for you, so you can stand up for yourself.

P. S

When our part of body aches, it’s a mechanism, so that we pay attention and take care of it.

When you feel hurt, when you feel something is not right,
it’s a sign for you, to pay attention to it.

Feeling bad is not a punishment, it’s a protective mechanism of our mind,

Paying attention to the root of the feeling is the purpose of that feeling.

Grace

One of things I think about, are the memories of the time, when I was very little and in a very big situation.

I remember that I would feel very calm and composed even if everything around me felt so wrong and strange. I vividly remember those moments, and even as I grow older, I haven’t found more strength in anyone, even in myself, as I do in that person I was.

I find warmth, protection and cosmic calmness in that person, who could hold herself with grace.

I am grateful that she is part of me, or I am hers.

Sahasrara

“Can you stand people who treat their friends with complete neglect and then mourn them to distraction, never caring about anyone unless they have lost him?”

Letters from a stoic – Seneca

I am grateful for each and every one of you, whom I have met and known.
Apologies for the times, I was not able to give you my best version. And regret for the times, where I could not explore the depth and beauty of your being. It’s more of my loss, to have missed getting enriched by your existence, to get glimpse of this occurance of a life as your perception. Yet I have become more myself by knowing you, even a little. I am so very grateful that I could experience you. It has been my privilege.

To survive in this world, the way I have known, one must have a well developed ego, they say. With that respect, I know with many of you, I have burned bridges. Even if it was not so volatile everytime, sometimes our paths just diverged away. In that case too, you have added something to my life. I see it now, if not yet, I will see it soon. No matter how we left off, you matter as well, you made my life more dear to me, made me realize that how rare of an occurrence it is, for people to meet, connect and last together.

We are connected to each other through collective unconscious, it’s believed. Whatever all has been said and done so far, if I ever think about you, I want to send you blessings only.

I have my reasons to love few of you just from far away and not have you in my life, but its a consequence of my existence in the body-spirit dimension.

I know when this will be over, whenever it does today, next week or in years; I have an intuition that we will find each other in the, as the, secrets of universe.

It’s alright if you don’t understand, but if you do, :)

To live is to be anxious,

Soren Kierkegaard said, “Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”

It is the realization of our life’s finitude. It is that realization, which becomes the cause of our anxiety. We realize, we are free to do anything, we can do something, experience something, but to what end.
Note: Remember this word ‘end’, for later on.
We are free to do anything, and what if we like it, what if we like it too much!!

The anxiety is because of the finitude. We feel that this, what we experience as ‘us’, will be taken from us, which under certain better circumstances would have been always ours to keep. But is it possible that it was given along with what was already there.

Cannot know the answer to that, untill I am I. It’s just a speculation which is not worst case scenario. Maybe we, humans, tend to align towards the worst case scenario because we know that ‘we’ as we understand, is going to end, considering the meaning we have assigned to the word ‘end’.

Due to that impending ‘end’, we do think that, this all is just a doomed inbetween in an already destined doomed ending.

What if the end is not a bad thing, if we knew that the end as we know it, is a good thing, will we live the portion from now and the end more joyfully?
Knowing that the joy will continue after the end.

What if I replace the word ‘End’ with ‘Paris’. I am here and then I will reach Paris. Paris will change me into something else, as all the things goes through change with experience and time. After Paris, I will be something else, is that too bad to be something else?


Audience

It might as well be, a figment of my imagination,

The audience will be killed off, when my play is over,

Is there really an audience, if the actor can’t experience it?

You all are there, as long as I am here.

Everything might be designed solely for me,

You exist the way you do, just for me to perceive it.

I know I am alive, as long as I live,

There is nothing else for me to know, when I won’t be me.

Maybe sky is just blue for me, and the blue you see, is my pink.

The real questions of life are not meant to be answered,

It is a beautiful thing, that you will never see what I see.

Ready for a ready man

For someone who is ready to make fire,
just a little bit of friction, and he will cherish it as a blessing,
Otherwise the sticks were lying all around him before too.

Seneca wrote,
words are like seeds, if sown in the proper soil, the shoot will rise high up.
Although, if the soil is not in the necessary condition, there won’t be any produce.


Mind is exactly like that,
a mind actively looking for the right words would treasure it,
while a mind oblivious of its need,
will walk past the treasure without even noticing it.

How lucky are we all, to be alive at the futher part of the humanity,
Doomed in some ways, we might be,
But in so many more ways, we have gift of wisdom,
the wisdom that has been accumulated over time.
And it’s all there,
Ready for a ready man.

Futher we are, from the start of humanity,
More promising will be our chances to gain the benefit of the painful and arduous journey to wisdom, man has and will have endured.


Shadow work_20062022

Living this life has been strange. I still don’t think I am fond of it. I think most of the part, I have been confused about, how it works and how I am suppose to work.


What is the good way to go about it, I still haven’t figured it out, I do feel others have and that makes me feel more out of place.


It seems to me now, the way, I have functioned so far has been wrong, or atleast my actions, thoughts, have been misplaced and missed the mark.
I clearly have not known, how to function in this world so that I would belong, I would be safe, I would be loved,I would be understood. Because whatever I have done till now, thinking that it’s the right thing to do, have resulted in everything that is opposite to belong, to feel safe, to be loved, to be understood.

I think I have tried too hard to be, to please, to appease, to be secondary. I was afraid, I still am. What would happen if I don’t try too hard, to please, to appease others, to put them first, to see but not be seen. I think in a way I have been uncomfortable to show people who I am, what I like, what I don’t like. I think, by hiding myself, I thought I was being polite, nice, even kind.

I am 29, and the way I have been doing things, doing people, doing this life, is not upto my own standards (which I now accept undeniably). I see it as learning, rather a final outcome, I notice now that the situations where I gave in too much, for too long thinking I was being polite and selfless are the situations where I pushed back with such severity that I can’t even see the ashes of those bridges I burnt. A human being, is supposed to be the main character of their life, that’s just the way it is meant to be, I learned it, the hard way.

Not keeping myself first, by underplaying myself, not having boundaries, not saying no, not saying what I meant, when I meant, not being vocal about things that bothered me, I did myself soo much harm.

I forgive others as I forgive myself, and where I can’t forgive them, is for the part of myself, which I still can’t forgive.

I still haven’t figured out myself and this life, but a little bit clearer about what won’t work going forward. It is popularly said that be yourself and don’t care about what others think about you. Yet two of the human’s need are for authenticity and to belong. I do believe that I unknowingly have surrendered to the need for belonging over authenticity. I know many of you would say otherwise about me. But trust me I didn’t choose authenticity as much as I should have, I reluctantly accept that it was due to my lack of belief in my own authenticity, in myself.

This is me facing the shadows I have been running away from, and hoping to keep learning but to not make same mistakes, take same missteps.

09191862022

I woke up and I realized, that I have no friends. Or atleast it feels like that I have none because I am not needed. No-one would care what happens to me, if I succedd, suffer, fail or perish.

I have been realizing that humans need to be needed. When you don’t have people who need you, depend on you, physically, mentally, financially, spiritually, no-one also cares what happens to you, because whatever happens to you doesn’t impact what happens to them. If it does, they would definitely care.

While an individual might not need you but your existence satiate people’s need for livelihood. To fulfil this need, people will overlook every thing about you that they won’t like, because you exist, therefore, they survive too.

Then, if you become a parent, the power of the need, your offspring would have, to be appeased, from the torture of the existence is emmense.

Then there are such needs that only arise decades, centuries, sometimes millenniums of marination of the needed. In the ideal world we won’t be enslaved by ‘need’, but at least one need that helps satiate the other monster needs is better. This is the need for Nietzsche, Seneca, Virginia Woolf, Debussy, Van Gogh, Marcus Aurelius, Carl Jung, George Orwell, Aldus Huxley, Albert Einstein, and thank everything that the list continues.

So I might be needed only by one or two today, but this life hasn’t ended yet and when many centuries will pass away, deliciously marinated, I will be ready to satiate you.

I am not sorry

You know, I am not apologetic for what I am going to say. I have seen human beings for my 10731 days of life. I do not consider myself a misanthrope, but I do pity humans, along with the pitiable human part in me.

We have this archaic, pathetic need to belong, to have someone who cares about, who cares for us. It is so selfish, this need. It does make you do petty, needy and sad things.

Parents cared, because it’s biology and a sense of duty. And then our desperate need starts to build up, to find a partner, to marry then, to make promises, so that none of you can leave each other, because who would stay with us and care for us if not for the institution of marriage and ‘sacred’ compulsion of a promise.

Living life on your term, by yourself and especially with yourself is so difficult if a concept for the herd of sheeps. It’s the easy way out, but let’s glorify the bondage as divine and meant to be. Like you are doing a favor to the world, you are being part of the society, the same society that burdens this earth, this very moment.

Let’s face it, how can a weak willed, insecure human live with themself. They have to have someone to take care, to love, to prioritize them, isn’t it?? And no-one is going to do that if not for bonds, institution, societal surveillance, isn’t it??

So wrong!!

Have some guts, and stop being so needy and call your desperation what it is. It’s your biology and weak mindset that you give in to.

It’s truly sad.