Resisting the pain to try and remain sane
makes me more hollow than it saves.
Like the Half broken glass there is more damage than gain,
At least the completely shattered glass shine on the lane.
Breaking down to reach rock bottom
I consider, is a blessing
Laying on the ground, my roots are what I see.
Their core is the substance of my being
and their strength lets the life flow through me;
Now I break down too often without resisting the pain,
And I make my foundation deeper and safe.
So the house of cards may tumble by the hint of breeze
but I will stay strong and hold my ground
when the storms outside screech.
I take it in me deep inside
now the world is on my mind
All I think is what that I resist.
The urges that are hard to fight
even though I know its not wise
All I do is what that I resist.
I just tried to search a word for fear of wasting time, I had no luck though;maybe it does not exist and if anyone knows the term then please do comment.
I always think that the kind of search history we have define what is going in our minds. Now my attempt to search the word for fear of wasting time naturally came from what I am experiencing. It is so annoying when your mind tells you how you have failed to live up-to the day,How you could have read something, meditated more, exercised more, created more, made more progress on your job applications or simply have been “more productive”.
Personally for me these are the times where I start questioning my worth and my capabilities.These are the times I feel fake or that I am wasting my potential. Now about wasted potential ,I will write whole another post because it deserves its own spotlight.
So it’s a fact that human life is limited, no matter how much I would like to pretend that it won’t be in my case; talk about being delusional! Watching The Originals to much I guess, now someone reading would say that maybe that’s why she feels unproductive…
Whenever I am reminded by something, someone or myself about mortality, it’s panic lane from there. Everything becomes about urgency, even I breathe with urgency and that is soooooo stupid, because I do not reach anywhere peaceful with that kind of urgency and panic.
Talking about urgency, I have never been a part of corporate world but when I see people going to jobs with their suits, dresses and appropriateness, it scares me. It’s the dread that I feel whenever I think about being part of something like that. To be honest I fear that if I become part of something and I find out that I am miserable and dread every morning to do it all over again, I know myself enough to say that I would consider that as well a waste of my time.
I think there is no antidote to such basefull fear because it’s natural to want more time. Though I think it will get better if I do things that calms me rather than create a panic in me, because I can’t imagine to have a one known life and using it away to only earn a living and I think the term as well is wrong. If you are earning a living then how come the life becomes only about living to earn.
That brings me to a wondering that maybe I do not fear about the quantity of time but the quality of time I live. And that I guess will be covered in the fear of wasted potential blog.
P. S: Writing calms me down and is my therapy and my wish for you all is that you have something like that too to unwind and relax. And my bigger wish is that your day doesn’t need unwinding at all.
All love 💜
The gravity of your life is
already enough to bare,
Yet you are carrying the stress
of people for you cared;
You were connected tight,
but are now stranger in spite.
Yes, They enhanced your life once,
but it only repress your well being today.
It feels impossible to let go, I know;
But to hold on is like watering
a dead plant that wont grow.
Be kind to yourself and
say your goodbyes in silence,
Wish them the best and
Unburden yourself from the plighting.
I had a hunch when you walked in,
that you had an ulterior motive from the beginning.
I was an open book and you I trusted,
but you were taking notes and were lusted.
I gave it a chance more than thrice,
but you know what they say
that you should learn after so many times.
I had my fair share with the narcissists ,
but it was easy to realize as they didn’t resist.
No third person would ever get the hint,
but I knew that something was wrong behind the mist.
I didn’t shy away to confront,
but you always denied the facts as if I was nuts.
You claimed it was the friendship that you want ,
but your manipulation tainted the relation from the start.
You convinced me that you are there for me as a rock,
but whenever I hit rock-bottom,
Your walk did not follow your talk.
I am grateful that I listened to my intuition,
Which now feels like dodging a bullet by that decision.
Few days before we talked, while you were boasting,
but all I could think was
that you were a wolf in a sheep’s clothing.
My coldness is evident,
It is so unlikely of me to not care,
But this is how my body and soul react,
To reach that point of dead end
After so many failed attempts.
You are leaving today to be at another place,
But for me you already moved out
On that night of year end.
I always fall for it,
your shallow concerns
and intentional gestures.
There is no why,
I just fall for it.
Pathetic, Isn’t it?
But I do fall for it
lesser and lesser,
with each passing second.
I do get convinced
more and more
with more self love discovered;
That you are not the destiny ,
but you are just a subplot
that strengthens the fact
that I am the lead.
In the universe, on the planet,
on the continent,in the
most isolated city,
in the apartment,
on the bed.
Wide awake near 3am.
What do you imagine I feel,
Sad? Scared? Lonely?
I think it’s the singularity ,
The chaos of being
In this vast,
Not even try to define – ness
That’s what I feel.
Cure for being alone ?
I think alone is the antidote.
I am not longing
to reach anyone,
Coz I know no-one
That can be reached.
It is a strange world and stranger is the today’s Love;
We want someone independent,
But we cringe when they refuse to be vulnerable.
We want someone sensitive and loving,
But we label them needy when they tell us what we mean to them.
We want someone Loyal,
But we get easily bored by the stability.
We want someone unique,
But we get intimidated by the difference.
We want someone daring and wild to showoff in our posts,
But we lack guts to say what we mean and prefer to ghost.
We want to be understood ,
but we do not intend to get out of our narrow bubble.
We want real connection,
But we lack the patience to have real communication.
We want to be treated right,
But we fail to give what we desire.
We definitely want to be loved,
But we conveniently ignore the key to receive love.
We accept it or not, we strongly desire nurturing and healthy relations. Maybe we need to look inside rather than finding reasons outside.
In the light of whatever is going on right now in the world, I want to reflect on the dialogue that we all must have been part of or at least witnessed ( in real or/and virtual world).
Person A: Says something disrespectful and inappropriate.
Person B: Shows their disappointment and disapproval.
Person A: “I was just joking, don’t be too sensitive. Haha…”
Person B(Reply 1 of N): Silent. [Question their own reaction and convince themselves that they are overreacting]
Person B(Reply 2 of N): Speaks up because it matters. [ Are firm about their position ]
A( About B’s reply 1): Yes! I am right. [Deep inside gets the message that I can go on being inappropriate and just defend myself by calling it “light humor”]
A(About B’s reply 2): Gets insecure when their shit is being called out and label the person B as aggressive and too emotional rather than doing some self analysis.
I do not feel that I need to explain the dialogue but it is definitely indicating to one fact:
“This is the era of wrongly supposed Synonyms.”
- Inappropriate = Humor
- Assertive = Aggressive
- Self respect = Arrogant / stubborn
- Sensible = Too emotional
- Moral = politically correct
- Polite = Available
- Gender free love = Experimenting/ Lifestyle
- Knowing what you want = High Maintenance
- Clothes length = Scale [ Prude <-> Slut]
- Philosophical = Over-analyzing / Waste of time
The list goes on…
I do not have a concluding message . I guess from this, People will take whatever they are capable of .