Soultosoul_with_ivy

To live is to be anxious,

Soren Kierkegaard said, “Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”

It is the realization of our life’s finitude. It is that realization, which becomes the cause of our anxiety. We realize, we are free to do anything, we can do something, experience something, but to what end.
Note: Remember this word ‘end’, for later on.
We are free to do anything, and what if we like it, what if we like it too much!!

The anxiety is because of the finitude. We feel that this, what we experience as ‘us’, will be taken from us, which under certain better circumstances would have been always ours to keep. But is it possible that it was given along with what was already there.

Cannot know the answer to that, untill I am I. It’s just a speculation which is not worst case scenario. Maybe we, humans, tend to align towards the worst case scenario because we know that ‘we’ as we understand, is going to end, considering the meaning we have assigned to the word ‘end’.

Due to that impending ‘end’, we do think that, this all is just a doomed inbetween in an already destined doomed ending.

What if the end is not a bad thing, if we knew that the end as we know it, is a good thing, will we live the portion from now and the end more joyfully?
Knowing that the joy will continue after the end.

What if I replace the word ‘End’ with ‘Paris’. I am here and then I will reach Paris. Paris will change me into something else, as all the things goes through change with experience and time. After Paris, I will be something else, is that too bad to be something else?

It might as well be, a figment of my imagination,

The audience will be killed off, when my play is over,

Is there really an audience, if the actor can’t experience it?

You all are there, as long as I am here.

Everything might be designed solely for me,

You exist the way you do, just for me to perceive it.

I know I am alive, as long as I live,

There is nothing else for me to know, when I won’t be me.

Maybe sky is just blue for me, and the blue you see, is my pink.

The real questions of life are not meant to be answered,

It is a beautiful thing, that you will never see what I see.

For someone who is ready to make fire,
just a little bit of friction, and he will cherish it as a blessing,
Otherwise the sticks were lying all around him before too.

Seneca wrote,
words are like seeds, if sown in the proper soil, the shoot will rise high up.
Although, if the soil is not in the necessary condition, there won’t be any produce.

Mind is exactly like that,
a mind actively looking for the right words would treasure it,
while a mind oblivious of its need,
will walk past the treasure without even noticing it.

How lucky are we all, to be alive at the futher part of the humanity,
Doomed in some ways, we might be,
But in so many more ways, we have gift of wisdom,
the wisdom that has been accumulated over time.
And it’s all there,
Ready for a ready man.

Futher we are, from the start of humanity,
More promising will be our chances to gain the benefit of the painful and arduous journey to wisdom, man has and will have endured.

Living this life has been strange. I still don’t think I am fond of it. I think most of the part, I have been confused about, how it works and how I am suppose to work.

What is the good way to go about it, I still haven’t figured it out, I do feel others have and that makes me feel more out of place.

It seems to me now, the way, I have functioned so far has been wrong, or atleast my actions, thoughts, have been misplaced and missed the mark.
I clearly have not known, how to function in this world so that I would belong, I would be safe, I would be loved,I would be understood. Because whatever I have done till now, thinking that it’s the right thing to do, have resulted in everything that is opposite to belong, to feel safe, to be loved, to be understood.

I think I have tried too hard to be, to please, to appease, to be secondary. I was afraid, I still am. What would happen if I don’t try too hard, to please, to appease others, to put them first, to see but not be seen. I think in a way I have been uncomfortable to show people who I am, what I like, what I don’t like. I think, by hiding myself, I thought I was being polite, nice, even kind.

I am 29, and the way I have been doing things, doing people, doing this life, is not upto my own standards (which I now accept undeniably). I see it as learning, rather a final outcome, I notice now that the situations where I gave in too much, for too long thinking I was being polite and selfless are the situations where I pushed back with such severity that I can’t even see the ashes of those bridges I burnt. A human being, is supposed to be the main character of their life, that’s just the way it is meant to be, I learned it, the hard way.

Not keeping myself first, by underplaying myself, not having boundaries, not saying no, not saying what I meant, when I meant, not being vocal about things that bothered me, I did myself soo much harm.

I forgive others as I forgive myself, and where I can’t forgive them, is for the part of myself, which I still can’t forgive.

I still haven’t figured out myself and this life, but a little bit clearer about what won’t work going forward. It is popularly said that be yourself and don’t care about what others think about you. Yet two of the human’s need are for authenticity and to belong. I do believe that I unknowingly have surrendered to the need for belonging over authenticity. I know many of you would say otherwise about me. But trust me I didn’t choose authenticity as much as I should have, I reluctantly accept that it was due to my lack of belief in my own authenticity, in myself.

This is me facing the shadows I have been running away from, and hoping to keep learning but to not make same mistakes, take same missteps.

I woke up and I realized, that I have no friends. Or atleast it feels like that I have none because I am not needed. No-one would care what happens to me, if I succedd, suffer, fail or perish.

I have been realizing that humans need to be needed. When you don’t have people who need you, depend on you, physically, mentally, financially, spiritually, no-one also cares what happens to you, because whatever happens to you doesn’t impact what happens to them. If it does, they would definitely care.

While an individual might not need you but your existence satiate people’s need for livelihood. To fulfil this need, people will overlook every thing about you that they won’t like, because you exist, therefore, they survive too.

Then, if you become a parent, the power of the need, your offspring would have, to be appeased, from the torture of the existence is emmense.

Then there are such needs that only arise decades, centuries, sometimes millenniums of marination of the needed. In the ideal world we won’t be enslaved by ‘need’, but at least one need that helps satiate the other monster needs is better. This is the need for Nietzsche, Seneca, Virginia Woolf, Debussy, Van Gogh, Marcus Aurelius, Carl Jung, George Orwell, Aldus Huxley, Albert Einstein, and thank everything that the list continues.

So I might be needed only by one or two today, but this life hasn’t ended yet and when many centuries will pass away, deliciously marinated, I will be ready to satiate you.

You know, I am not apologetic for what I am going to say. I have seen human beings for my 10731 days of life. I do not consider myself a misanthrope, but I do pity humans, along with the pitiable human part in me.

We have this archaic, pathetic need to belong, to have someone who cares about, who cares for us. It is so selfish, this need. It does make you do petty, needy and sad things.

Parents cared, because it’s biology and a sense of duty. And then our desperate need starts to build up, to find a partner, to marry then, to make promises, so that none of you can leave each other, because who would stay with us and care for us if not for the institution of marriage and ‘sacred’ compulsion of a promise.

Living life on your term, by yourself and especially with yourself is so difficult if a concept for the herd of sheeps. It’s the easy way out, but let’s glorify the bondage as divine and meant to be. Like you are doing a favor to the world, you are being part of the society, the same society that burdens this earth, this very moment.

Let’s face it, how can a weak willed, insecure human live with themself. They have to have someone to take care, to love, to prioritize them, isn’t it?? And no-one is going to do that if not for bonds, institution, societal surveillance, isn’t it??

So wrong!!

Have some guts, and stop being so needy and call your desperation what it is. It’s your biology and weak mindset that you give in to.

It’s truly sad.

I say, atleast once, you ought to feel the hunger, to know the value of food,

I say, at least once, you ought to know what it is, to miss your loving home,

I do not say it, wanting you to punish yourself; but I say it, so that you could know what you have.

When you are in a far away country, surrounded by the exotic scenery,

Let your heart ache, for the home that’s waiting.

Even in that ache, you would be surprised to find something beautiful,

You would feel, a bit more sure about yourself,

Even if the odds are not in your favour.

You would know the gratitude of being loved,

Even when, Especially when, you don’t feel important in the unknown crowd.

Just like seeing the blue round ball, from the space above, makes one long for the home, which isn’t apparent till you experience it from distance.

Put some distance between you and your mob, to reap the fruit of gratitude.

The gratefulness for having a place, that you can call home and the people who makes it a home.

“Only that travelling is good which reminds me of the value of home and enables me to enjoy it better.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Would you know the value of home,
without leaving it?

Yes, certainly would know of the discomfort that comes with any change and hence value it for its comfort.

But I ask, whether would you know,
the sweet bitterness and strength that comes only after leaving home, especially when you realize you have one?

Would the ship realize the value of the anchor if it never sails far away, and find the stability even through the waves.

The fire, the power, you feel inside, when you know you have a warm home to go to, it keeps you above the cold.

When you know, you have people who loves you and have a belief in you, makes the impossible, possible,

Otherwise even the nicest amenities are distasteful, when you are surrounded by people, who makes you doubt your worth.

Since I remember being me, I have been observing people, it was always a bit involuntary. As an introvert, only child and the circumstances I was given, I did have most of my time to myself, with less of my energy and attention going to other people and activities.

When I used to observe, involuntarily, I think I used to analyse it as well. I don’t remember doing it purposefully but I did deduce hypothesis, perceptions and almost meanings and significance of whatever data I registered. I believe my feminine, my ying characteristics were being polished that time.

I have been a good, obedient, perfect little girl. Almost to a point of fragility, one would say. Yet I won’t lie that I was seeing people for their faragilities, their soft fleshy spots, their breakers, their kryptonite. I never thought that it was anything, never went ahead with what I perceived or did anything with it.

As a believer of psychology, spirituality, I think I now see how those perceptions, observations and hypothesis about situations and people could have been ‘used’ and ‘manipulated’. But again with a faith in spirituality and psychology I never and will never want to weaponize my observations.

I was definitely fragile and sometimes still am but one thing about myself is definite, I might not use it but I still see everything…

When I was given the gift of togetherness, I rejoiced.
Being in the vicinity of people I know, it reminded me of myself.
When they embraced me with their loving warmth, I remembered that I was lovable after all.
When I was leaving them, their reluctance, their heavy heart reminded me, that my existence mattered.

All the times, I was made to feel worthless, they are now fading away.
All the times, I believed that I deserved hurt, are becoming a memory of a nightmare.

In these years, I gradually forgot who I was and what I was capable of.

Surround yourself with no-one, if the other option is to surround yourself with people who would prefer if you forget your worth.

I won’t say that I learned the hard way, I would say I learned through the only way I would have learned, considering the set of circumstances I was given in this existence.

These words, my experience doesn’t have to be relevant to everyone, doesn’t have to be relevant at all but I do feel that I have reached a point, where I am comfortable expressing myself, articulating my thoughts, valuing my experience with it being relevant to no-one.

There is so much that exist as me, which I don’t understand yet. But it’s alright, there exists 95% of the spacetime that we don’t understand, we can’t even try to articulate it’s form, properties. Maybe it’s the 95% of the same thing, which makes me, and hence I don’t understand it. Dark matter, dark energy, soul, spirit, etc etc.

Sometimes I think this is a dream, somedays I am sure of it. Even if this is a dream, how does it makes any difference. Dreams are so visceral that we can’t tell that it’s a dream till we wake up from it. We can only know when it ends, either the dream or the reality. At least it ends, so that we can know. At least if something ends, something new can start.
Let’s see