Do they like me?

This question has hijacked me since a long time. It has flooded my entitity and I want to accept that it is unacceptable to me.

Being taken over by the concern, whether they like me, is taking over my sanity.

I am possessed by the urge to be liked that I settle for disrespect, just so that they like me; to be more precise, that they might like me. There is no guarantee, that even if I take the attack to my self respect, the violation of my boundaries and the blatant disregard to my well being, I will fit in, I will be liked by them.

I believe that every derangement has its roots inside. This malady of ‘do they like me?’ must also have roots in me.

When I was violated for the first time, I appealed, I resisted, was it taken seriously, was it taken kindly?

I was asked not to take stand for myself, I was asked to be OK with the mistreatment that I was subjected to.

I was asked by intimidation that if I ask for better, I will receive more hostility. When you are subjected to hostility and intimidation, your survival mode kicks in. To maintain a livable environment, you give in and give up your self respect. You accept whatever is thrown at you, just to keep peace, just to survive.

It extrapolates to the point, where being liked is more important and safe than to expect what is right for you and defend yourself when your well being is under siege.

How did that turn out? Choosing ‘do they like me?’ over ‘what is right for me?’

The person in me, who is me, is filled with anger and disappointment.The person who finds energy everyday to keep up with this life, is filled with self loathing because I chose not to protect that person. I chose others liking me over standing up for me.

I became an outcast inside as much as I am outcast outside.

Till now I have cared, do they like me? Do you like me? What has that done for me?

Nothing that I am proud of, your or their approval does not satiate me. The person I care to like me is myself.

I will give respect, I can coexist.  I would not hinder anyone’s journey by adding a step back and I would want to enrich their/your experience, whenever our paths meet.

However,

My first loyalty is to myself and if anyone’s existence does not respect mine then I would not have the desire to engage or any inclination to please.

I would not concern myself if I am liked by others, all we need to have is respect for one another because we are only answerable to ourselves and it’s much easier when we like ourselves.

Don’t degrade your liking for yourself, just so that others like you.