16 June 2018

The feeling of worthlessness is so strong, but when your brain has some illness that doesn’t have a reason to exist, things becomes tricky. The most irrational fears of your becomes so convincing that you really start to believe that you would fail at everything you do. In my case even breathing, I always wonder why I forget to breathe and I curse myself when I hyperventilate. I curse myself for being too tired and I hate myself for having a feeling of not wanting to do anything at all.. Ever…

I am a good patient at least, I try to search about depression and anxiety and how I can help myself with that. I saw a video where it was explained how the person should treat themselves when they suffer from self loathing thoughts. Look at yourself like a third person, a kind friend who really wants to help and make things better. I try to do that, I fail most of the times while doing that but sometimes I do successed. At present I am being a good friend to myself by writing this blog which I was not going to but the friend me said, no, you can definitely do it and you know what? you should do it for everyone irrespective of whether they read this or not. I am giving out this message to this world, this universe that I am trying.. I am fighting with my best efforts to cope with the helplessness, the terrible gut feeling, the pounding heart, the headache, the tired body and mind, the hopelessness and I will keep doing that till my natural dying last breath…

P. S: To those who are struggling, I want you to know that it’s more brave to walk the unpleasant path with unpleasant experiences compared to a glittery one.Bravery always pays off and rewards can only be known who has it.. I love you all…

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Now

No trace of regret
Only possibilities are there.
Possibilities of future
Hope for the happy share.
The moment that is now
Wants to be lived.
Even after losing everything
Once was yours, you believed…

Rising

What is this tremor
I feel inside me,
An intuition of the time
To shine from within,
Brand new life I see
Through the wisdom
Of my ancient spirit…

Innate

The words are gospel,
The eyes that sees the truth,
The act that lack pretence,
The smile without the sly intent.
Our true mirror is lost
And it is lost to the institution…

An unfit puzzle piece

Sunny summer day,
Playing kids outside,
She always wish
To belong to other side.
Today one reason
Tomorrow another one,
It’s not alright to go outside.
Days passed and years went
Now she has even stopped protesting.
It’s a strange place
What is present day where
She is a loner who doesn’t belong anywhere.
She tried her best to fit in for long
But since a while she agree with it,
That maybe she will always be an unfit puzzle piece…

Irony

The worst experience
Gives the best abilities,
The best memories
Becomes the worst weaknesses.
Such is the irony of living
We love to ignore,
But it always come true
With no exceptions…

The facade

I am questioned about my worth,
I am questioned about my sanity.
What is this relation,
What is this love,
It does not liberate me,
It is the door to cage.
It does not support my dreams,
But it suffocates me.
What is this love,
What is this relation.
That only wants best of me,
That is nowhere to be found
When I am broken.
What is this love,
What is this relation.
It doesn’t know loyalty,
It doesn’t know gentleness.
It doesn’t show up for weeks,
It doesn’t care if I am alive.
What is this love,
What is this relation.