The feeling of worthlessness is so strong, but when your brain has some illness that doesn’t have a reason to exist, things becomes tricky. The most irrational fears of your becomes so convincing that you really start to believe that you would fail at everything you do. In my case even breathing, I always wonder why I forget to breathe and I curse myself when I hyperventilate. I curse myself for being too tired and I hate myself for having a feeling of not wanting to do anything at all.. Ever…
I am a good patient at least, I try to search about depression and anxiety and how I can help myself with that. I saw a video where it was explained how the person should treat themselves when they suffer from self loathing thoughts. Look at yourself like a third person, a kind friend who really wants to help and make things better. I try to do that, I fail most of the times while doing that but sometimes I do successed. At present I am being a good friend to myself by writing this blog which I was not going to but the friend me said, no, you can definitely do it and you know what? you should do it for everyone irrespective of whether they read this or not. I am giving out this message to this world, this universe that I am trying.. I am fighting with my best efforts to cope with the helplessness, the terrible gut feeling, the pounding heart, the headache, the tired body and mind, the hopelessness and I will keep doing that till my natural dying last breath…
P. S: To those who are struggling, I want you to know that it’s more brave to walk the unpleasant path with unpleasant experiences compared to a glittery one.Bravery always pays off and rewards can only be known who has it.. I love you all…
You go on countless one night stands,
I eat away my emotions,
She binges on TV series,
He runs his aggression with each mile.
They party all night to forget all sensations,
I shout at people hoping someone will care.
She shops her day away to appease her dying marriage,
He drinks his pain away of his cheating partner.
We all are showing off very well,
Like everything is fine.
When actually we are all broken adults,
Living off our coping lies…
The waves of emotions come and go,
But the still and steady coast of relation always stay.
The impulses of the moment drives you blind,
But the love that grows is slow and kind.
The people that attracts your senses may be intriguing,
But the ones that nourishes your soul are rare unseasonable rain.
Don’t fall for the breezy strangers that sweeps you off your feet,
Instead keep the gentle comarade that catches you when you fall…
The universe is infinite, it’s a boon,
there are so many unanswered questions, it’s a boon.
We are the civilization always finding for more,
We are always driven to unexplored expanses.
Unknown is the fuel that keeps us going to live on for the undiscovered times.
Though we tend to take things known to us for granted.
The sun, The moon, The earth
We think they won’t change,
but what do we know when it will all change.
The people in our lives,we think they are here now, so what is the big deal;
But does that mean they can’t vanish in a blink of an eye?
We have tendency to crave for something new till we obtain it,
But why do we forget to enjoy it and cherish it now.
We think we are forever, we all delude ourselves in some way or another,
But when it’s our time to go, no one really knows.
Then why are we still not living the life we want now?
Why are we waiting for the future to start taking our passions seriously?
Why are we waiting to be with that person we love?
Why are we still doing the dead-end job we lothe?
Oh, Because we have time!!
Or, Do we??
The palette is so bloody red with the colors of my heart,
I take it out for you to borrow,
But you kept it for own cause.
I gave you my heart away to keep it safe and sound,
But you colored your canvas of life,
With the bloody red of my heart…
She see herself in the mirror,
She sees her reflection and she is pretty sure she loathes it.
Why does she feel unworthy of being adored,
Why does she feel unworthy of self-love,
Is it the random comment that points out how her body has changed?
Or is it the specific judgmental voices in her head that seems to be ashamed of her?
Or is it the casual insults used by her loved ones in a “joking way”?
Should she tell them that it bothers her?
Should she tell them that it’s depression that is making her eat uncontrollably?
Should she tell them that she starves herself whole day out of loneliness ?
Should she tell them that she can’t change her genes?
Or should she shut them off as its none of their business?
But what does she tell her inner voices?
Who placed such dialogues in there..
Was it the parent who rejected the 12 year old’s changing body,
Was it the crush who rejected a genuine admirer,
Was it the school teacher that rejected the talent just because of a number on scale of weight or colour.
When did we start treating a child like show stopper,
When did we start berating a child for his or her individuality,
When did we start comparing it with the poster child when in reality the child is an unique perfect creation.
It is time to stop, it is time to think before we say or look at a child,
Because it is watching us, observing us and learning from us.
Strangely it adopts our impression of him and continue to treat himself the way we did.
We are the voices,
Think before you act in front of a child,
As a broken adult she will shut other’s mouth but won’t be easily be able to shut the voices in her head…
The one thing that makes me is also the one that breaks,
It does not slow down even if I can’t take it anymore,
Every thought is out of its shelf, it’s a mess;
There is a need for a way to sort them out,
They float around in my head giving me answers that I ask for,
But they sometimes go on a rampage, questioning my questions.
Fears, feelings, memories, words, images, people, ideas, they are all in there,
You wont be disappointed if you search for galaxies in there.
I can let you in if you are on a soul searching voyage,
But be careful or else you will loose yourself;
You won’t be disappointed if you search for galaxies in there.
I explore it by the words I write,
You explore it by the words you read.