Tossing and turning but there is no comfort found,
She lays there after midnight ,
No book, hot tea or own hug would calm her down.
All there is to feel: A grave sinking disappointment,
By those conversations which drains her dry;
Or Maybe her own sick mind trolling her life.
How much she wishes to go to sleep,
To get some relief from this chaotic being.
To go to the dream world is all she asks,
Until the final escape will let her pass.
The feeling of worthlessness is so strong, but when your brain has some illness that doesn’t have a reason to exist, things becomes tricky. The most irrational fears of your becomes so convincing that you really start to believe that you would fail at everything you do. In my case even breathing, I always wonder why I forget to breathe and I curse myself when I hyperventilate. I curse myself for being too tired and I hate myself for having a feeling of not wanting to do anything at all.. Ever…
I am a good patient at least, I try to search about depression and anxiety and how I can help myself with that. I saw a video where it was explained how the person should treat themselves when they suffer from self loathing thoughts. Look at yourself like a third person, a kind friend who really wants to help and make things better. I try to do that, I fail most of the times while doing that but sometimes I do successed. At present I am being a good friend to myself by writing this blog which I was not going to but the friend me said, no, you can definitely do it and you know what? you should do it for everyone irrespective of whether they read this or not. I am giving out this message to this world, this universe that I am trying.. I am fighting with my best efforts to cope with the helplessness, the terrible gut feeling, the pounding heart, the headache, the tired body and mind, the hopelessness and I will keep doing that till my natural dying last breath…
P. S: To those who are struggling, I want you to know that it’s more brave to walk the unpleasant path with unpleasant experiences compared to a glittery one.Bravery always pays off and rewards can only be known who has it.. I love you all…
Sunny summer day,
Playing kids outside,
She always wish
To belong to other side.
Today one reason
Tomorrow another one,
It’s not alright to go outside.
Days passed and years went
Now she has even stopped protesting.
It’s a strange place
What is present day where
She is a loner who doesn’t belong anywhere.
She tried her best to fit in for long
But since a while she agree with it,
That maybe she will always be an unfit puzzle piece…
On a rainy day
With a gloomy way
I turn myself to you
As my heart wants me to…
On a rainy night
It’s a melancholy sight
I hold myself tight
As it is easier to hide the plight… 
I am questioned about my worth,
I am questioned about my sanity.
What is this relation,
What is this love,
It does not liberate me,
It is the door to cage.
It does not support my dreams,
But it suffocates me.
What is this love,
What is this relation.
That only wants best of me,
That is nowhere to be found
When I am broken.
What is this love,
What is this relation.
It doesn’t know loyalty,
It doesn’t know gentleness.
It doesn’t show up for weeks,
It doesn’t care if I am alive.
What is this love,
What is this relation. 
Soul bonds are hard to erase,
The social norms can’t even break.
Not even the stifling of the bond bearers.
When it’s meant to be
No one can change the course,
No one can go against the force.
It’s a beautiful mystery how souls are connected,
To overcome the resistance of the world, the society, the ego.
To share the love that is not theirs, not mine, not yours but of universe itself… 
They come like a cool breeze out of nowhere,
They feel like you have been waiting for them.
They make you forget even yourself,
That’s how their magic actually works.
Just when you get little too comfortable,
They will show you what they are really made of.
When you can’t stop worshipping the trickster,
They leave you with nothing but plain dejection.
They are playing and playing till they get bored,
They are taking and taking till you have no more.
They will hurt you and ask you that why you cry,
They will ignore even if you are dying.
They are nothing but something just like spirit,
They will only mess you up because they are toxic… 
She ran away from the cage that she always wanted to escape,
She came into the world that she never saw before.
She felt free with no bondage enticing her,
She could go any where and be anyone she ever wanted.
All the new found freedom was a high for her,
Soon she started to kiss something she could not quite place.
She realized it was the cage that she called “something like home”,
And she knew deep inside that pain was her strongest muse… 
Soultosoul_with_ivy 