After Midnight

Tossing and turning but there is  no comfort found,

She lays there after midnight ,

No book, hot tea or  own hug would calm her down.

All there is to feel: A grave sinking disappointment,

By those conversations which drains her dry;

Or Maybe her own sick mind trolling her life.

night building forest trees
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

How much she wishes to go to sleep,

To get some relief from this chaotic being.

To go to the dream world is all she asks,

Until the final escape will let her pass.

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16 June 2018

The feeling of worthlessness is so strong, but when your brain has some illness that doesn’t have a reason to exist, things becomes tricky. The most irrational fears of your becomes so convincing that you really start to believe that you would fail at everything you do. In my case even breathing, I always wonder why I forget to breathe and I curse myself when I hyperventilate. I curse myself for being too tired and I hate myself for having a feeling of not wanting to do anything at all.. Ever…

I am a good patient at least, I try to search about depression and anxiety and how I can help myself with that. I saw a video where it was explained how the person should treat themselves when they suffer from self loathing thoughts. Look at yourself like a third person, a kind friend who really wants to help and make things better. I try to do that, I fail most of the times while doing that but sometimes I do successed. At present I am being a good friend to myself by writing this blog which I was not going to but the friend me said, no, you can definitely do it and you know what? you should do it for everyone irrespective of whether they read this or not. I am giving out this message to this world, this universe that I am trying.. I am fighting with my best efforts to cope with the helplessness, the terrible gut feeling, the pounding heart, the headache, the tired body and mind, the hopelessness and I will keep doing that till my natural dying last breath…

P. S: To those who are struggling, I want you to know that it’s more brave to walk the unpleasant path with unpleasant experiences compared to a glittery one.Bravery always pays off and rewards can only be known who has it.. I love you all…

15 June 2018

Envy… It starts from the childhood, subtle comments, casual conversation from the parents, family, friends, society that analyse you and your body. You are looked down at.. Called dark skinned, little too chubby, too thin, your nose is imperfect, your ears are too big, you have thick thighs and even your stomach looks that of pregnant womans.Believe it or not, it all happens, It really does… A soul that is young and growing hears all this, what does it do to its spirit? It shakes it, it breaks it and when all this things are said with respect to an another entity, however close it is to you, your sister, cousin, friend, Collegue, classmate, even best friend… It develops the feeling of resentment towards the person and lack of confidence in self. In the case of world, this resentment is applicable to each and every woman you come across. No, its because women have impure sure or can’t live with themselves but it’s the surrounding people who judges, bifurcates and ranks them based on something out of their control and something that doesn’t say or define their personality, that is, the way they look. I can’t even start to explain how unfair that is, but on the scale of 0-10,its definitely 100.

I remember an incidence where I was in a group setting, typically all boys, me and other person were the only women. One of the guy (so called cool dude) said that we both should compete in a dance face-off at the evening party. Obviously he wanted to have fun and entertainment by watching two girls dance and compete over who gets the most appreciation from bunch of boys (not men, coz real men don’t ever get enjoyment over such things). I looked at her and from the expression on her face I could see she was triggered by that and I was also shocked, mainly disrespected by the whole incidence. I tried my best to not punch the guy on the face and keep my calm. I directly started talking to the girl and said that, we won’t be doing such a thing for bunch of idiots right!? She lowered her defences and looked relieved too after that.

Women should not let these people who are supposedly ‘our’ people but who constantly put you in the spotlight for the way you eat, the way you speak, how much you eat, who you are dating, why you are not dating, whether you wear too less or too much makeup.

As the future caretaker, at least we have to understand and accept that no-one should make us feel insecure about our own place and worth in world, otherwise it will be superficial to nourish our children with the upbringing of accepting self and respecting self first and foremost.

P. S: To anyone who is reading this, you are beautiful inside-out and don’t you ever question it because of the inner voices that you have but are originally placed there by the people who didn’t think before saying those harsh things to you.

13 june – Walking on the blade

So she needs to fight ,fight with the demons,
Demons that tell her to kill herself.
The part that tells her to end it, the thing is that the part was just a part earlier but now it’s becoming her, becoming what she is. She seems to give in, it has convinced her that she wants to give in. She even tell herself that it is what she wants, but it makes her cry when she thinks about ending it, how can that be a solution for her. It should have made her happy but it doesn’t, it’s the biggest tragedy of her life that she wants to end everything because somewhere inside she knows that it’s not what she is suppose to do, it’s not what is suppose to happen for her.
But today it’s not the end, she says to herself.
What triggered this hope, what made the sun shine for her?
A kind soul treats you like you matter, it changes the game a lot.It really makes a difference in your life when you feel that your happiness matters to someone else.
I don’t know why we humans feel like its important to feel seen, heard, held, loved,cared for but it all needs a fellow human to play it’s part. In her case the fellow human did play the part with a random but huge act of compassion.
She did not know that such a simple thing can make her feel back in the game. Her answer for that day was easy, “food”.
Why is it a big deal you ask? You just eat right? It’s that simple.. But is it for some people??
With all the insecurities she has about her body and appearance, when most people she meets, especially her “friends” makes her feel that she needs to change herself, her looks…
It was good for a change that someone brought her delicious surprise showing that she deserves it, she deserves to eat and does not deserves to starve.

To anyone who is struggling with body image and is punishing yourself for eating and making yourself feel guilty about it. I just want to tell you that you are lovely, amazingly beautiful and you deserve to eat.
It’s none of anyone’s business to tell you what is good and what is not for you. You know the best for Yourself and can take care of yourself.

P. S. Those who think that it’s their right to say anything about anyone else health and appeaerence, I kindly want you to know that ” its not” .

An unfit puzzle piece

Sunny summer day,
Playing kids outside,
She always wish
To belong to other side.
Today one reason
Tomorrow another one,
It’s not alright to go outside.
Days passed and years went
Now she has even stopped protesting.
It’s a strange place
What is present day where
She is a loner who doesn’t belong anywhere.
She tried her best to fit in for long
But since a while she agree with it,
That maybe she will always be an unfit puzzle piece…

Rainy

On a rainy day
With a gloomy way
I turn myself to you
As my heart wants me to…
On a rainy night
It’s a melancholy sight
I hold myself tight
As it is easier to hide the plight…

“Canvas “

The palette is so bloody red with the colors of my heart,
I take it out for you to borrow,
But you kept it for own cause.
I gave you my heart away to keep it safe and sound,
But you colored your canvas of life,
With the bloody red of my heart…