16 June 2018

The feeling of worthlessness is so strong, but when your brain has some illness that doesn’t have a reason to exist, things becomes tricky. The most irrational fears of your becomes so convincing that you really start to believe that you would fail at everything you do. In my case even breathing, I always wonder why I forget to breathe and I curse myself when I hyperventilate. I curse myself for being too tired and I hate myself for having a feeling of not wanting to do anything at all.. Ever…

I am a good patient at least, I try to search about depression and anxiety and how I can help myself with that. I saw a video where it was explained how the person should treat themselves when they suffer from self loathing thoughts. Look at yourself like a third person, a kind friend who really wants to help and make things better. I try to do that, I fail most of the times while doing that but sometimes I do successed. At present I am being a good friend to myself by writing this blog which I was not going to but the friend me said, no, you can definitely do it and you know what? you should do it for everyone irrespective of whether they read this or not. I am giving out this message to this world, this universe that I am trying.. I am fighting with my best efforts to cope with the helplessness, the terrible gut feeling, the pounding heart, the headache, the tired body and mind, the hopelessness and I will keep doing that till my natural dying last breath…

P. S: To those who are struggling, I want you to know that it’s more brave to walk the unpleasant path with unpleasant experiences compared to a glittery one.Bravery always pays off and rewards can only be known who has it.. I love you all…

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15 June 2018

Envy… It starts from the childhood, subtle comments, casual conversation from the parents, family, friends, society that analyse you and your body. You are looked down at.. Called dark skinned, little too chubby, too thin, your nose is imperfect, your ears are too big, you have thick thighs and even your stomach looks that of pregnant womans.Believe it or not, it all happens, It really does… A soul that is young and growing hears all this, what does it do to its spirit? It shakes it, it breaks it and when all this things are said with respect to an another entity, however close it is to you, your sister, cousin, friend, Collegue, classmate, even best friend… It develops the feeling of resentment towards the person and lack of confidence in self. In the case of world, this resentment is applicable to each and every woman you come across. No, its because women have impure sure or can’t live with themselves but it’s the surrounding people who judges, bifurcates and ranks them based on something out of their control and something that doesn’t say or define their personality, that is, the way they look. I can’t even start to explain how unfair that is, but on the scale of 0-10,its definitely 100.

I remember an incidence where I was in a group setting, typically all boys, me and other person were the only women. One of the guy (so called cool dude) said that we both should compete in a dance face-off at the evening party. Obviously he wanted to have fun and entertainment by watching two girls dance and compete over who gets the most appreciation from bunch of boys (not men, coz real men don’t ever get enjoyment over such things). I looked at her and from the expression on her face I could see she was triggered by that and I was also shocked, mainly disrespected by the whole incidence. I tried my best to not punch the guy on the face and keep my calm. I directly started talking to the girl and said that, we won’t be doing such a thing for bunch of idiots right!? She lowered her defences and looked relieved too after that.

Women should not let these people who are supposedly ‘our’ people but who constantly put you in the spotlight for the way you eat, the way you speak, how much you eat, who you are dating, why you are not dating, whether you wear too less or too much makeup.

As the future caretaker, at least we have to understand and accept that no-one should make us feel insecure about our own place and worth in world, otherwise it will be superficial to nourish our children with the upbringing of accepting self and respecting self first and foremost.

P. S: To anyone who is reading this, you are beautiful inside-out and don’t you ever question it because of the inner voices that you have but are originally placed there by the people who didn’t think before saying those harsh things to you.

Rainy

On a rainy day
With a gloomy way
I turn myself to you
As my heart wants me to…
On a rainy night
It’s a melancholy sight
I hold myself tight
As it is easier to hide the plight…

Young heart

The young heart knows not much,
It follows the attention.
It cannot distinguish good from bad.
It just follows the path of impulses,
The young heart persevere,
It persevere even if it hurts,
It can’t let go, it can’t let it flow.
The young heart is pure and naive,
And it always fall for the trickster.
It is the irony of love
As it takes you down before it takes you high.
Young heart learns soon,
Young heart understands soon,
That most of the times you have to choose to love what is good for you…

“Toxic “

They come like a cool breeze out of nowhere,
They feel like you have been waiting for them.
They make you forget even yourself,
That’s how their magic actually works.
Just when you get little too comfortable,
They will show you what they are really made of.
When you can’t stop worshipping the trickster,
They leave you with nothing but plain dejection.
They are playing and playing till they get bored,
They are taking and taking till you have no more.
They will hurt you and ask you that why you cry,
They will ignore even if you are dying.
They are nothing but something just like spirit,
They will only mess you up because they are toxic…

“Canvas “

The palette is so bloody red with the colors of my heart,
I take it out for you to borrow,
But you kept it for own cause.
I gave you my heart away to keep it safe and sound,
But you colored your canvas of life,
With the bloody red of my heart…

Voices

She see herself in the mirror,
She sees her reflection and she is pretty sure she loathes it.
Why does she feel unworthy of being adored,
Why does she feel unworthy of self-love,
Is it the random comment that points out how her body has changed?
Or is it the specific judgmental voices in her head that seems to be ashamed of her?
Or is it the casual insults used by her loved ones in a “joking way”?
Should she tell them that it bothers her?
Should she tell them that it’s depression that is making her eat uncontrollably?
Should she tell them that she starves herself whole day out of loneliness ?
Should she tell them that she can’t change her genes?
Or should she shut them off as its none of their business?
But what does she tell her inner voices?
Who placed such dialogues in there..
Was it the parent who rejected the 12 year old’s changing body,
Was it the crush who rejected a genuine admirer,
Was it the school teacher that rejected the talent just because of a number on scale of weight or colour.
When did we start treating a child like show stopper,
When did we start berating a child for his or her individuality,
When did we start comparing it with the poster child when in reality the child is an unique perfect creation.
It is time to stop, it is time to think before we say or look at a child,
Because it is watching us, observing us and learning from us.
Strangely it adopts our impression of him and continue to treat himself the way we did.
We are the voices,
Think before you act in front of a child,
Because
As a broken adult she will shut other’s mouth but won’t be easily be able to shut the voices in her head…