16 June 2018

The feeling of worthlessness is so strong, but when your brain has some illness that doesn’t have a reason to exist, things becomes tricky. The most irrational fears of your becomes so convincing that you really start to believe that you would fail at everything you do. In my case even breathing, I always wonder why I forget to breathe and I curse myself when I hyperventilate. I curse myself for being too tired and I hate myself for having a feeling of not wanting to do anything at all.. Ever…

I am a good patient at least, I try to search about depression and anxiety and how I can help myself with that. I saw a video where it was explained how the person should treat themselves when they suffer from self loathing thoughts. Look at yourself like a third person, a kind friend who really wants to help and make things better. I try to do that, I fail most of the times while doing that but sometimes I do successed. At present I am being a good friend to myself by writing this blog which I was not going to but the friend me said, no, you can definitely do it and you know what? you should do it for everyone irrespective of whether they read this or not. I am giving out this message to this world, this universe that I am trying.. I am fighting with my best efforts to cope with the helplessness, the terrible gut feeling, the pounding heart, the headache, the tired body and mind, the hopelessness and I will keep doing that till my natural dying last breath…

P. S: To those who are struggling, I want you to know that it’s more brave to walk the unpleasant path with unpleasant experiences compared to a glittery one.Bravery always pays off and rewards can only be known who has it.. I love you all…

Advertisements

13 june – Walking on the blade

So she needs to fight ,fight with the demons,
Demons that tell her to kill herself.
The part that tells her to end it, the thing is that the part was just a part earlier but now it’s becoming her, becoming what she is. She seems to give in, it has convinced her that she wants to give in. She even tell herself that it is what she wants, but it makes her cry when she thinks about ending it, how can that be a solution for her. It should have made her happy but it doesn’t, it’s the biggest tragedy of her life that she wants to end everything because somewhere inside she knows that it’s not what she is suppose to do, it’s not what is suppose to happen for her.
But today it’s not the end, she says to herself.
What triggered this hope, what made the sun shine for her?
A kind soul treats you like you matter, it changes the game a lot.It really makes a difference in your life when you feel that your happiness matters to someone else.
I don’t know why we humans feel like its important to feel seen, heard, held, loved,cared for but it all needs a fellow human to play it’s part. In her case the fellow human did play the part with a random but huge act of compassion.
She did not know that such a simple thing can make her feel back in the game. Her answer for that day was easy, “food”.
Why is it a big deal you ask? You just eat right? It’s that simple.. But is it for some people??
With all the insecurities she has about her body and appearance, when most people she meets, especially her “friends” makes her feel that she needs to change herself, her looks…
It was good for a change that someone brought her delicious surprise showing that she deserves it, she deserves to eat and does not deserves to starve.

To anyone who is struggling with body image and is punishing yourself for eating and making yourself feel guilty about it. I just want to tell you that you are lovely, amazingly beautiful and you deserve to eat.
It’s none of anyone’s business to tell you what is good and what is not for you. You know the best for Yourself and can take care of yourself.

P. S. Those who think that it’s their right to say anything about anyone else health and appeaerence, I kindly want you to know that ” its not” .

“Toxic “

They come like a cool breeze out of nowhere,
They feel like you have been waiting for them.
They make you forget even yourself,
That’s how their magic actually works.
Just when you get little too comfortable,
They will show you what they are really made of.
When you can’t stop worshipping the trickster,
They leave you with nothing but plain dejection.
They are playing and playing till they get bored,
They are taking and taking till you have no more.
They will hurt you and ask you that why you cry,
They will ignore even if you are dying.
They are nothing but something just like spirit,
They will only mess you up because they are toxic…

“Canvas “

The palette is so bloody red with the colors of my heart,
I take it out for you to borrow,
But you kept it for own cause.
I gave you my heart away to keep it safe and sound,
But you colored your canvas of life,
With the bloody red of my heart…

Voices

She see herself in the mirror,
She sees her reflection and she is pretty sure she loathes it.
Why does she feel unworthy of being adored,
Why does she feel unworthy of self-love,
Is it the random comment that points out how her body has changed?
Or is it the specific judgmental voices in her head that seems to be ashamed of her?
Or is it the casual insults used by her loved ones in a “joking way”?
Should she tell them that it bothers her?
Should she tell them that it’s depression that is making her eat uncontrollably?
Should she tell them that she starves herself whole day out of loneliness ?
Should she tell them that she can’t change her genes?
Or should she shut them off as its none of their business?
But what does she tell her inner voices?
Who placed such dialogues in there..
Was it the parent who rejected the 12 year old’s changing body,
Was it the crush who rejected a genuine admirer,
Was it the school teacher that rejected the talent just because of a number on scale of weight or colour.
When did we start treating a child like show stopper,
When did we start berating a child for his or her individuality,
When did we start comparing it with the poster child when in reality the child is an unique perfect creation.
It is time to stop, it is time to think before we say or look at a child,
Because it is watching us, observing us and learning from us.
Strangely it adopts our impression of him and continue to treat himself the way we did.
We are the voices,
Think before you act in front of a child,
Because
As a broken adult she will shut other’s mouth but won’t be easily be able to shut the voices in her head…

“She deface herself… “

She is harmful for herself because she let’s in toxic people,
She is dangerous for herself because she never says no,
She is unsuitable for herself because she let’s people walk all over her;
You must think it’s her fault to not take stand for herself,
But let me tell you that the little her couldn’t think for herself,
The little her searched love in pain,
The little her believed that being hurt was good and normal,
Because it came from ‘them’;
‘Them’were the people with whom she started her life.
How do you expect that she would have questioned her blood,
So, now that’s how it all hardwired in her brain.
She is not unfamiliar with the terrible mishap;
And she knows that she is in love with pain…

“Beginnings, Ends, Beginnings”

The ends are seeming too conclusive,
That makes you feel it’s inaccessible now.
You may not perceive the fact,
That you never were accessing at all.
The memories are always with you for life,
The moments are never to be owned.
The endings that make you feel down right now,
They are previews for an upcoming beginnings…