In the universe, on the planet,
on the continent,in the
most isolated city,
in the apartment,
on the bed.
Wide awake near 3am.
What do you imagine I feel,
Sad? Scared? Lonely?
I think it’s the singularity ,
The individuality,
The chaos of being
In this vast,
Not even try to define – ness
That’s what I feel.
Cure for being alone ?
I think alone is the antidote.
So no,
I am not longing
to reach anyone,
Coz I know no-one
That can be reached.
The feeling of worthlessness is so strong, but when your brain has some illness that doesn’t have a reason to exist, things becomes tricky. The most irrational fears of your becomes so convincing that you really start to believe that you would fail at everything you do. In my case even breathing, I always wonder why I forget to breathe and I curse myself when I hyperventilate. I curse myself for being too tired and I hate myself for having a feeling of not wanting to do anything at all.. Ever…
I am a good patient at least, I try to search about depression and anxiety and how I can help myself with that. I saw a video where it was explained how the person should treat themselves when they suffer from self loathing thoughts. Look at yourself like a third person, a kind friend who really wants to help and make things better. I try to do that, I fail most of the times while doing that but sometimes I do successed. At present I am being a good friend to myself by writing this blog which I was not going to but the friend me said, no, you can definitely do it and you know what? you should do it for everyone irrespective of whether they read this or not. I am giving out this message to this world, this universe that I am trying.. I am fighting with my best efforts to cope with the helplessness, the terrible gut feeling, the pounding heart, the headache, the tired body and mind, the hopelessness and I will keep doing that till my natural dying last breath…
P. S: To those who are struggling, I want you to know that it’s more brave to walk the unpleasant path with unpleasant experiences compared to a glittery one.Bravery always pays off and rewards can only be known who has it.. I love you all…
Envy… It starts from the childhood, subtle comments, casual conversation from the parents, family, friends, society that analyse you and your body. You are looked down at.. Called dark skinned, little too chubby, too thin, your nose is imperfect, your ears are too big, you have thick thighs and even your stomach looks that of pregnant womans.Believe it or not, it all happens, It really does… A soul that is young and growing hears all this, what does it do to its spirit? It shakes it, it breaks it and when all this things are said with respect to an another entity, however close it is to you, your sister, cousin, friend, Collegue, classmate, even best friend… It develops the feeling of resentment towards the person and lack of confidence in self. In the case of world, this resentment is applicable to each and every woman you come across. No, its because women have impure sure or can’t live with themselves but it’s the surrounding people who judges, bifurcates and ranks them based on something out of their control and something that doesn’t say or define their personality, that is, the way they look. I can’t even start to explain how unfair that is, but on the scale of 0-10,its definitely 100.
I remember an incidence where I was in a group setting, typically all boys, me and other person were the only women. One of the guy (so called cool dude) said that we both should compete in a dance face-off at the evening party. Obviously he wanted to have fun and entertainment by watching two girls dance and compete over who gets the most appreciation from bunch of boys (not men, coz real men don’t ever get enjoyment over such things). I looked at her and from the expression on her face I could see she was triggered by that and I was also shocked, mainly disrespected by the whole incidence. I tried my best to not punch the guy on the face and keep my calm. I directly started talking to the girl and said that, we won’t be doing such a thing for bunch of idiots right!? She lowered her defences and looked relieved too after that.
Women should not let these people who are supposedly ‘our’ people but who constantly put you in the spotlight for the way you eat, the way you speak, how much you eat, who you are dating, why you are not dating, whether you wear too less or too much makeup.
As the future caretaker, at least we have to understand and accept that no-one should make us feel insecure about our own place and worth in world, otherwise it will be superficial to nourish our children with the upbringing of accepting self and respecting self first and foremost.
P. S: To anyone who is reading this, you are beautiful inside-out and don’t you ever question it because of the inner voices that you have but are originally placed there by the people who didn’t think before saying those harsh things to you.
My heart throbs the same way
When I touch you,
It’s been many years
Since I found you,
The ancientness of this love
Doesn’t change a thing,
Because there are no conditions
When it’s matter of you… 
What is this tremor
I feel inside me,
An intuition of the time
To shine from within,
Brand new life I see
Through the wisdom
Of my ancient spirit… 
Sunny summer day,
Playing kids outside,
She always wish
To belong to other side.
Today one reason
Tomorrow another one,
It’s not alright to go outside.
Days passed and years went
Now she has even stopped protesting.
It’s a strange place
What is present day where
She is a loner who doesn’t belong anywhere.
She tried her best to fit in for long
But since a while she agree with it,
That maybe she will always be an unfit puzzle piece…
The innocents dying by drinking the black rain,
The rain that is poisonous but the naives are clueless,
So they drink it to soothe the burning heat,
That is making their skin wilt away.
How can this be a cheerful event?
But the victory is celebrated on the other side of the world.
The explosion of the atom was earth shattering,
That it left it’s mark on the future generations to come.
How can this catastrophe be anyone’s celebration?
How can this disaster be anyone’s new beginning?
This can only mean the last days of humanity. 
Soul bonds are hard to erase,
The social norms can’t even break.
Not even the stifling of the bond bearers.
When it’s meant to be
No one can change the course,
No one can go against the force.
It’s a beautiful mystery how souls are connected,
To overcome the resistance of the world, the society, the ego.
To share the love that is not theirs, not mine, not yours but of universe itself… 
The pills that you take to make yourself well,
Are they really a cure or a new bane?
I take one and I get effects that are conveniently ” side “.
I take two and I get dependent on it,
Still it doesn’t take away the real problem.
The doc say why not try three!
Is it the real cure for years of suffering?
Is it real antidote for life long illness?
The doc sees me for a min or two and announces that I am hysterical,
But who would not be hysterical if they are dying inside,
Who would not be hysterical if they are being torn apart each and every moment of the day.
Is the pill a remedy for an age old curse?
If it was the real medicine then life would have had an antidote too…
The young heart knows not much,
It follows the attention.
It cannot distinguish good from bad.
It just follows the path of impulses,
The young heart persevere,
It persevere even if it hurts,
It can’t let go, it can’t let it flow.
The young heart is pure and naive,
And it always fall for the trickster.
It is the irony of love
As it takes you down before it takes you high.
Young heart learns soon,
Young heart understands soon,
That most of the times you have to choose to love what is good for you… 
Soultosoul_with_ivy 