The feeling of worthlessness is so strong, but when your brain has some illness that doesn’t have a reason to exist, things becomes tricky. The most irrational fears of your becomes so convincing that you really start to believe that you would fail at everything you do. In my case even breathing, I always wonder why I forget to breathe and I curse myself when I hyperventilate. I curse myself for being too tired and I hate myself for having a feeling of not wanting to do anything at all.. Ever…
I am a good patient at least, I try to search about depression and anxiety and how I can help myself with that. I saw a video where it was explained how the person should treat themselves when they suffer from self loathing thoughts. Look at yourself like a third person, a kind friend who really wants to help and make things better. I try to do that, I fail most of the times while doing that but sometimes I do successed. At present I am being a good friend to myself by writing this blog which I was not going to but the friend me said, no, you can definitely do it and you know what? you should do it for everyone irrespective of whether they read this or not. I am giving out this message to this world, this universe that I am trying.. I am fighting with my best efforts to cope with the helplessness, the terrible gut feeling, the pounding heart, the headache, the tired body and mind, the hopelessness and I will keep doing that till my natural dying last breath…
P. S: To those who are struggling, I want you to know that it’s more brave to walk the unpleasant path with unpleasant experiences compared to a glittery one.Bravery always pays off and rewards can only be known who has it.. I love you all…
The words are gospel,
The eyes that sees the truth,
The act that lack pretence,
The smile without the sly intent.
Our true mirror is lost
And it is lost to the institution…
Sunny summer day,
Playing kids outside,
She always wish
To belong to other side.
Today one reason
Tomorrow another one,
It’s not alright to go outside.
Days passed and years went
Now she has even stopped protesting.
It’s a strange place
What is present day where
She is a loner who doesn’t belong anywhere.
She tried her best to fit in for long
But since a while she agree with it,
That maybe she will always be an unfit puzzle piece…
Soul bonds are hard to erase,
The social norms can’t even break.
Not even the stifling of the bond bearers.
When it’s meant to be
No one can change the course,
No one can go against the force.
It’s a beautiful mystery how souls are connected,
To overcome the resistance of the world, the society, the ego.
To share the love that is not theirs, not mine, not yours but of universe itself…
The pills that you take to make yourself well,
Are they really a cure or a new bane?
I take one and I get effects that are conveniently ” side “.
I take two and I get dependent on it,
Still it doesn’t take away the real problem.
The doc say why not try three!
Is it the real cure for years of suffering?
Is it real antidote for life long illness?
The doc sees me for a min or two and announces that I am hysterical,
But who would not be hysterical if they are dying inside,
Who would not be hysterical if they are being torn apart each and every moment of the day.
Is the pill a remedy for an age old curse?
If it was the real medicine then life would have had an antidote too…
The young heart knows not much,
It follows the attention.
It cannot distinguish good from bad.
It just follows the path of impulses,
The young heart persevere,
It persevere even if it hurts,
It can’t let go, it can’t let it flow.
The young heart is pure and naive,
And it always fall for the trickster.
It is the irony of love
As it takes you down before it takes you high.
Young heart learns soon,
Young heart understands soon,
That most of the times you have to choose to love what is good for you…
You go on countless one night stands,
I eat away my emotions,
She binges on TV series,
He runs his aggression with each mile.
They party all night to forget all sensations,
I shout at people hoping someone will care.
She shops her day away to appease her dying marriage,
He drinks his pain away of his cheating partner.
We all are showing off very well,
Like everything is fine.
When actually we are all broken adults,
Living off our coping lies…
They come like a cool breeze out of nowhere,
They feel like you have been waiting for them.
They make you forget even yourself,
That’s how their magic actually works.
Just when you get little too comfortable,
They will show you what they are really made of.
When you can’t stop worshipping the trickster,
They leave you with nothing but plain dejection.
They are playing and playing till they get bored,
They are taking and taking till you have no more.
They will hurt you and ask you that why you cry,
They will ignore even if you are dying.
They are nothing but something just like spirit,
They will only mess you up because they are toxic…
The body so fragile, it breaks in a moment,
The heart so brittle, it shatters by few words ,
The life is capricious, it ends without a notice,
Yet you are sound and safe at this point,
Yet you mend your heart everytime it breaks,
Yet you live this moment with much hopes for next second.
The crux of now is just so simple,
That you are a miracle of the creation,
That you are miracle, don’t you ever forget…
She ran away from the cage that she always wanted to escape,
She came into the world that she never saw before.
She felt free with no bondage enticing her,
She could go any where and be anyone she ever wanted.
All the new found freedom was a high for her,
Soon she started to kiss something she could not quite place.
She realized it was the cage that she called “something like home”,
And she knew deep inside that pain was her strongest muse…