16 June 2018

The feeling of worthlessness is so strong, but when your brain has some illness that doesn’t have a reason to exist, things becomes tricky. The most irrational fears of your becomes so convincing that you really start to believe that you would fail at everything you do. In my case even breathing, I always wonder why I forget to breathe and I curse myself when I hyperventilate. I curse myself for being too tired and I hate myself for having a feeling of not wanting to do anything at all.. Ever…

I am a good patient at least, I try to search about depression and anxiety and how I can help myself with that. I saw a video where it was explained how the person should treat themselves when they suffer from self loathing thoughts. Look at yourself like a third person, a kind friend who really wants to help and make things better. I try to do that, I fail most of the times while doing that but sometimes I do successed. At present I am being a good friend to myself by writing this blog which I was not going to but the friend me said, no, you can definitely do it and you know what? you should do it for everyone irrespective of whether they read this or not. I am giving out this message to this world, this universe that I am trying.. I am fighting with my best efforts to cope with the helplessness, the terrible gut feeling, the pounding heart, the headache, the tired body and mind, the hopelessness and I will keep doing that till my natural dying last breath…

P. S: To those who are struggling, I want you to know that it’s more brave to walk the unpleasant path with unpleasant experiences compared to a glittery one.Bravery always pays off and rewards can only be known who has it.. I love you all…

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14 June 2018

The plane going in the air seems like going at the same speed from the ground below as you are  walking ,but its not, its just the point of view that you are at which makes you feel like that.

Can it be same for the perspective we have about others and their life. It seems perfectly normal and happy from your view point but it may also have many underlying aspects to it. Things are not what they seem, I read somewhere.I guess its true after all.

Everyone is struggling in their own perfect way, some struggles are really too much to bear and some are maybe even unbearable but the struggles still exist. Just like Iron can bear more stress and impact compared to a wood; in the same way, maybe some of us are able to bear more adversity than others due to the characteristics, experiences that makes them “them”, but don’t get me wrong here,the ones bearing more or less adversity are not comparable because Iron is used to hold bridges and wood is used to make houses.Both of them are fulfilling their own  purposes and going through different adversities to reach to the point of fulfilling their purposes.

 

13 june – Walking on the blade

So she needs to fight ,fight with the demons,
Demons that tell her to kill herself.
The part that tells her to end it, the thing is that the part was just a part earlier but now it’s becoming her, becoming what she is. She seems to give in, it has convinced her that she wants to give in. She even tell herself that it is what she wants, but it makes her cry when she thinks about ending it, how can that be a solution for her. It should have made her happy but it doesn’t, it’s the biggest tragedy of her life that she wants to end everything because somewhere inside she knows that it’s not what she is suppose to do, it’s not what is suppose to happen for her.
But today it’s not the end, she says to herself.
What triggered this hope, what made the sun shine for her?
A kind soul treats you like you matter, it changes the game a lot.It really makes a difference in your life when you feel that your happiness matters to someone else.
I don’t know why we humans feel like its important to feel seen, heard, held, loved,cared for but it all needs a fellow human to play it’s part. In her case the fellow human did play the part with a random but huge act of compassion.
She did not know that such a simple thing can make her feel back in the game. Her answer for that day was easy, “food”.
Why is it a big deal you ask? You just eat right? It’s that simple.. But is it for some people??
With all the insecurities she has about her body and appearance, when most people she meets, especially her “friends” makes her feel that she needs to change herself, her looks…
It was good for a change that someone brought her delicious surprise showing that she deserves it, she deserves to eat and does not deserves to starve.

To anyone who is struggling with body image and is punishing yourself for eating and making yourself feel guilty about it. I just want to tell you that you are lovely, amazingly beautiful and you deserve to eat.
It’s none of anyone’s business to tell you what is good and what is not for you. You know the best for Yourself and can take care of yourself.

P. S. Those who think that it’s their right to say anything about anyone else health and appeaerence, I kindly want you to know that ” its not” .

Rising

What is this tremor
I feel inside me,
An intuition of the time
To shine from within,
Brand new life I see
Through the wisdom
Of my ancient spirit…

Irony

The worst experience
Gives the best abilities,
The best memories
Becomes the worst weaknesses.
Such is the irony of living
We love to ignore,
But it always come true
With no exceptions…

Black rain

The innocents dying by drinking the black rain,
The rain that is poisonous but the naives are clueless,
So they drink it to soothe the burning heat,
That is making their skin wilt away.
How can this be a cheerful event?
But the victory is celebrated on the other side of the world.
The explosion of the atom was earth shattering,
That it left it’s mark on the future generations to come.
How can this catastrophe be anyone’s celebration?
How can this disaster be anyone’s new beginning?
This can only mean the last days of humanity.

Antidote

The pills that you take to make yourself well,
Are they really a cure or a new bane?
I take one and I get effects that are conveniently ” side “.
I take two and I get dependent on it,
Still it doesn’t take away the real problem.
The doc say why not try three!
Is it the real cure for years of suffering?
Is it real antidote for life long illness?
The doc sees me for a min or two and announces that I am hysterical,
But who would not be hysterical if they are dying inside,
Who would not be hysterical if they are being torn apart each and every moment of the day.
Is the pill a remedy for an age old curse?
If it was the real medicine then life would have had an antidote too…